the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
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They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
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Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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