I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
where am i from again
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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