Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Randomize
