I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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