I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
someone owes me an orgasm
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
