im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
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