So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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