I looked at my own cervix.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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