we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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