I got chris browned last night
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Randomize
