I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
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