I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
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