I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
My bed smells like the plague
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize
