This is not my ceiling
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
