I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Randomize
