If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
