i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
