Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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