I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
