Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
