they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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