so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Randomize
