Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
