I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
