Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
How does one acquire holy water?
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
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