I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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