the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
