Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
