guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
