Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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