when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
