yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
