I'm gonna have a badass scar
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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