I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
