They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
