I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
