her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
