I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Randomize
