Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
This baby is an asshole
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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