I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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