To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
I want to have your abortion
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
