I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
