So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
We're using joints as your birthday candles
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
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