i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
