i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
