I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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