did you get engaged???
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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