I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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