I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
