i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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