I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
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