I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I am mentally ready for anal.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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