the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
