omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
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By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
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Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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