You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
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