i permit you to call me
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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