this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
Randomize
