Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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