drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
porn star boner night. come get it.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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