you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
