Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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